Journal Entry - 9/01

Journal entry from September 1st. 
Writing about my mother, including the eulogy I wrote & later read at her funeral.

(the majority of my informal writing in completely lowercase)

i find it crazy that in a matter of moments someone can simply cease to exist. i wonder what my mother's last thoughts were before her soul left her body. i find is crazy to think about the fact that my mother is no longer a person. she cannot move, she cannot talk, she cannot do anything. my mother was a person, a human being, who could breathe and think and love. now, she is ashes. she is ashes in the ground and in different urns. she is everywhere but she is nowhere. 41 years is not a long time to be alive and i am so heartbroken by the fact that my mother only lived for 41 years. 

Whether you are a friend or family, I hope I am correct when I say there isn’t a single person in this room who didn’t care for or love my mother at one point in their life. My mother left a great impact on so many lives, including my own. When my mother passed away, I’m assuming she saw stars, like in old cartoons when the character hit their head. Before, when I looked at my mother, I saw galaxies. My mother was galaxies made up of stories she told. My mother was more than just a mother. She was my best friend. But, she was also more than just a person. She was big brown eyes and an even bigger heart.

I like to think of it this way: My mother was more than a body and a brain and a soul. Math has never been my best subject, and it definitely wasn't hers, but I know that if you were to add up all of that; you would get her. She was the dreams she had and the things she experienced and the places she went. She was a strong and caring individual, with a soft spot for animals and an even softer spot for Haribo Gummy Bears and Smokehouse Barbeque and Matchbox 20 and Code Red Mountain Dew with just a little bit of cherry flavoring in it, or a lot. 

Many people talk about how they find pennies in unusual places after the death of a loved one. This is thought to be a sign that you are valued. After her father’s death, my mom didn’t find pennies, she found dimes. She liked to say, “The angels watching over me must be rich.” Finding dimes after the death of a loved one is a call to pay attention, to trust your instinct, and to honor your intuition, especially regarding making changes to move forward in your life. This is a skill my mother had to learn to master, so the dimes she kept around a picture frame in her house definitely were not just some mere coincidence.

A few people have told me that my mother wasn’t a religious person, but I know she was. She believed in praying and she believed in the power of prayer, even if watching Joel Osteen on Sunday mornings was as close to church as she ever got. My mother believed in Heaven and God, but she also believed in sillier things. She used to tell Ashlyn & I that thunder and lighting were angels bowling, and that when people passed away, it was simply because God needed another angel to pour out the rain. My mother also believed that people were good at heart. She always saw the good in people, and I like to think I got that from her.

I wish I could tell more stories about my experiences with her, because although a lot can happen in 14 years, it wasn’t enough. My mother’s time on Earth was so much shorter than any of us would’ve wished for. Since I can’t stand here and lie to all of you, I have to say that my mother got so much less than she deserved in her life. She was finally starting to find things and even people that made her as happy as she deserved to be, and I wish she would’ve had longer to experience that.

My mom told me a lot of analogies to explain her love for me. Like, "I love you more than a fat kid loves cake." My favorite was always, “I love you bigger than the sky,” because I could reply with, “But the sky never ends.” My mother never let me forget how much she loved me. I hope I did the same for her. Thomas Edison’s last words were: “It’s very beautiful over there.” I don’t know where there is, but I believe it’s somewhere, and I hope it’s beautiful. 

Hero - 9/27

Another essay for my English class. 
Prompt- Write about your hero or role model.
I chose to write about my late mother.

Bigger than the Sky

“A hero is an ordinary individual who finds the strength to persevere and endure in spite of overwhelming obstacles.” –Christopher Reeves

“The hero is one who kindles a great light in the world, who sets up blazing torches in the dark streets of life for men to see by. The saint is the man who walks through the dark paths of the world, himself a light.” –Felix Adler

“It is better to be the widow of a hero than the wife of a coward.” –Delores Ibarruri Gomez

When you hear the word hero, you tend to think about miraculous people who do even more miraculous things. Some people think of celebrities, athletes, or everyday citizens who save someone’s life on the street. While all of these people are more than capable of exhibiting heroic traits, my idea of a hero is a little different. That’s because mine is a superhero. This particular superhero displays a multitude of powers, ranging from super-strength to mind reading. She always wanted a more glamorous and exciting name, but I always thought “Mom” would suffice.

My mother died on February 24^th, 2016, when she was traveling on the entrance ramp to northbound I-29 from Mexico City Avenue. She traveled off the roadway and overcorrected, sending herself & her truck down an embankment. Ejected from her vehicle, she was dead on arrival. Nine years prior to this accident, my grandmother died when a virus in her body had spread to her heart. For nine years, I watched my mother struggle day in and day out, not having her mom by her side. Although she was in her heart, that wasn’t always enough. My mother constantly reprimanded me when I disrespected her, reminding me of how lucky I still was with phrases that I tend to pettily use today in times of jealousy like, “I wish I could talk to my mother like that.” It takes a lot to realize how precious life is, and I am so thankful that my mother is still teaching me that lesson today.

The textbook definition of a hero is something along the lines of, “a person who is admired or idealized for courage.” A hero is someone who you can look up to in times of struggle, someone who might have gone through the same thing you are currently dealing with. A hero is someone who you can respect, who you care about, and who cares about you.

I wouldn’t be able to count on all of my fingers and toes how many people told me at my mother’s funeral, “Your mom may have been rude to a lot of people, but she loved you and your sister more than anything in the world. She loved you so hard and she loved you like you were the oxygen flowing through her lungs.” My mother used to tell me different analogies to explain her love for me. She would say, “I love you bigger than the sky.” This was my favorite because I could tell her that the sky never ends. I could laugh at her, and call her crazy with my first grade lisp, going on and on about how silly it was of her to think that she could love me more than something that was eternal. Now, I realize how silly I was, for underestimating her. My mother never let me forget she loved me, and I hope I did the same for her.

The night that my mom passed away, I remember my sister coming into my room and asking me to sleep in her room with her because she was worried that I would get too upset and do something stupid. I was very close with my mother, but I spent almost a third of the time with my mother as she got to spend with hers, so naturally they were much closer. Looking back, I realize how upset I was, and how upset my mother was every day for nine years. My mom had a smile on her face as often as she could, and she rarely let others know that something bothered her. She was one of the strongest women I ever had the pleasure of knowing, and I cannot begin to describe how grateful I am for the short time I had with her.

The strength that my mother displayed is a constant reminder that I too am strong enough to get through losing her. Even her moments of weakness taught me that it is okay to win some battles and lose some. Although my mother was not the best at dealing with her emotions in the healthiest ways, I have learned the “do’s and don’ts” of coping with the loss of a parent. My mom is closer to me now than she ever was before, and remembering that makes it so much easier to keep pushing forward and bettering myself for my own sake.

Not all superhero’s wear capes, but all of them can fly in and out of your life in the blink of an eye.  If I were to die tomorrow and be remembered by one thing only, I would want anyone who has ever met me to remember that it’s not about the cards you’re dealt in life, it’s about how                 you play your hand. When life hands you lemons, make lemonade. You may not have the sugar and the water you need, and your lemonade may be bitter, but it is a beverage. Drink it, be thankful, and stop complaining.

This I Believe - 10/7

A paper for my English class. 
Prompt: Consider your basic belief system. Brainstorm issues that are important to you, or life principles you adhere to. Determine one core belief that you will write about. 

I decided to write about the universe. In a way. 

Nothing is Real

I believe that the first step in living a positive life is surrounding yourself with positive people. I believe that there is nothing more beneficial to your happiness than genuinely wanting to be happy, and having the willpower to make yourself happy. I believe that a happy person will see a happy world. I believe in the universe and I believe in being a part of the spark that makes the world a little better. I believe in doing unto others as they do unto you, but also treating others how you want to be treated. I believe in being respectful to someone until they give you a reason not to be.

All throughout my life, I have been taught to treat people with respect, and to abstain from saying anything at all if I have nothing nice to say.  If I want to be a more positive person, I need to constantly be surrounded by people who have the same interest, or naturally radiate positivity. Although it is important to learn to live your life without needing to depend on anyone else, relying on others to improve your overall mood is almost inevitable.   

Many things have happened and have even yet to happen to show me that it is time to change and to be more positive. The biggest one was my mother passing away. I knew that the best thing I could do for myself after this event was to completely cut out anyone who was holding me back from doing things I enjoyed or things that would benefit me in some way. It sounds selfish, but when I realize someone is not a good person or not a good influence, I cut my losses and stop talking to them.

One of my biggest inspirations in the past year is a person named Dakota Wint. He makes YouTube videos and reminds me that every single thing in the world is temporary, time doesn’t exist, and nobody is meant to be on this planet. So, why not enjoy your life and the people in it while you can? Dakota Wint has influenced my view on the world and he makes it easier to be positive. I strive to one day be as happy and as kind to Earth as he is. I met him at a concert and bought one of his shirts from his clothing line, and the shirt says, “We’re just creatures on a rock, homie!” He reminds me that I am not a human being in the universe, I am the whole entire universe inside of a human being.

People like Dakota Wint make me want to wake up every day and live my life to the fullest, because I never know when it will end. Later on in my life, if I have just one friend who has the same mindset as him, I will be perfectly content. My favorite thing about the world is the people in it, and their ability to make the best out of the life they are given. Time is nothing more than a concept, and we are nothing more than creatures on a rock, floating in space.

“A happy person sees a happy world, while an angry person sees an angry world. It isn’t about what you look at; it’s about how you look at it. Happiness is the car, not the destination. Know that you’re beautiful and beauty will reflect and bounce back to you everywhere you go.” –Dakota Wint

“Your own self-realization is the greatest service you can offer the world.” –Dakota Wint

"The possession of knowledge does not kill the sense of wonder and mystery. There is always more mystery.” -Anaïs Nin

 I believe that there is something divine about the moments spent with a free spirit. I believe that there is nothing more important than to love the life you live and to live the life you love. I believe in taking time to remember your worth and that you are in fact alive, because not everyone is, and most people take that for granted. I believe in being the change I want to see in the world. I believe in being as far away as possible from people who do not have the same hunger for happiness as I do. I believe that some people are art and some people are artists, but few people are lucky enough to be both. I believe and I hope that one day I will be in a position in life where I feel comfortable enough to view myself as a work of art, while doing something to change the world, thus simultaneously being an artist. I believe in the universe and I believe in happiness.